Having worked in rescue for many years, I had to laugh when someone forwarded me this list of “If you…then press…” for rescuers. It’s so true.

I’ve actually had to deal with many of these situations. Maybe some of you can relate:

“Hello: You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation:”
Press 1: If you have a 10-year-old dog and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home right away.

Press 2: If you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150 pound, 8-year-old dog.

Press 3: If you have three dogs, had a baby and want to get rid of your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and dogs at the same time.

Press 4: If you just got a brand new puppy and your old dog is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.

Press 5: If your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 6: If you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home TODAY and pick up the dog you no longer want.

Press 7: If you have been feeding and caring for a “stray” for the
last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it’s not your
dog/cat.

Press 8: If your dog is sick and needs a vet but you need the money for your vacation.

Press 9: If you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy/kitten who is not active and is going to outlive you.

Press 10: If your relative has died and you don’t want to care for
their elderly dog/cat because it doesn’t fit your lifestyle.

Press 11: If you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I have to go to work so you can drop a dog/cat off on YOUR way to work.

Press 12: To leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a dog/cat in our yard in the middle of January.

Press 13: If you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your dog/cat that you have had for fifteen years and have decided you’re sick of taking care of it.

Press 14: If you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog/cat to be euthanized because we won’t take it.

Press 15: If you’re going to get angry because the volunteers had the audacity to go on vacation and leave the dogs in care of another trusted volunteer.

Press 16: If you want one of our PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid and cat friendly PUREBRED dogs that we have an abundance of. (yeah, right)

Press 17: If you want us to take your dog that has a slight
aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor’s cats.

Press 18: If you have already called once and been told we don’t take personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this time with a different answer.

Press 19: If you want us to use space that would go to a stray to
board your personal dog while you are on vacation, free of charge, of course.

Press 20: If it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to deliver an eight week old puppy or fluffy calico kitten to your house by 6:30 am before your kids wake up.

Press 21: If you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.


Press 22: If you want us to take your female dog/cat who has already had ten litters, but we can’t spay her because she is pregnant again and abortion is against your religion.

Press 23: If you’re lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel bad so we’ll take your personal pet off your hands.

Press 24: If your cat is biting and not using the litter box because it is declawed, but you are not willing to accept the responsibility
that the cat’s behavior is altered and is in constant pain because you wanted to protect your nice furniture.

Press 25: If your two year old male dog/cat is marking all over your house but you just haven’t gotten around to having him neutered so you want to turn him in.

Press 26: If you previously had an outdoor only dog and are calling because she is suddenly pregnant and you “just can’t have that.”

Press 30:If you have done “everything” to housebreak your dog and have had no success but you don’t want to crate the dog because it’s cruel.

Press 31: If you didn’t listen to the message asking for an evening phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working and you are angry because no one called you back.

Press 32: If you need a puppy or kitten IMMEDIATELY and cannot wait because today is your daughter’s birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 33: If you redecorated and your dog or cat’s coat no longer matches your new decor and you need to turn them in and get different color or breed.

Press 34: If your new love doesn’t like your dog or cat and you are too stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next month anyway) instead of the dog or cat.

Press 35: If you are moving to California and can’t take your dog/cats with you. (Apparently, California doesn’t allow out of state pets)

Press 36: If you are moving to an apartment that doesn’t take pets and you have a dog/cat.

Press 37: If you want to turn in your 16 year old cats because the “kids are grown now and just left for college and the cats were theirs.”

Press 338: If you went through all these ‘options’ and didn’t hear
enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog or cat while the vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his family.

~Author Unknown

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